New year, same Carly

I’m back at HighPoint which should be a good thing yet at times, I can’t help but get an hallow feeling in my chest. I’m living in a different dorm this year with new roommates who are all very nice but aren’t aware of my anxiety issues. I partied with them last night and had a lot of fun yet feel as if they don’t like me, even though they told me drunkenly that they love me and i’m their new best friend. Then why would I feel like I am bothering them when I tag along? It’s uncomfortable. The first week of school is always uncomfortable. Unsure of how important I am to my old friends now that I am out of walking distance and unsure of how the year will play out. The only thing i’m sure of is my wonderful boyfriend and even that, I feel like i’m fucking up and he’s going to break up with me. I already miss him when i’ve been away for him for only a few hours. He makes me the happiest. 

Yet, this is how I was last year when I first came to school. I don’t want to fuck it up with my roommates though and this is what it was like last year. I don’t want to smother them too much to the point where I annoy them and I don’t want to cause fights. I just need to realize the few friends I do have are enough and actually care. G, E, JB and JS. have reached out to me. They are there for me. H is great too. Although, who knows? I tend to do so much for people who wouldn’t for me. A hasn’t walked to Wilson once yet and lied to me last night. I have people who care about me so who gives a fuck head about those who don’t?

I miss home. I miss my mom, my dad, my sister, my milo; etc. I just started re-uniting with friends and having fun again in Jersey and then had to leave. College always sucks the first two months and I need to remember that. If my depression begins to flare I need to get out of my room as much as possible and do things. Whether it be reading a book on the hammock or talking a walk with music. I refuse to let myself suffer from sadness. This blogging thing helps this. I just wonder if i’ll have time when schoolwork starts up. My throats beginning  to get that tingling sore feeling it gets before I get sick. Maybe it’s cause i’m holding back from pathetically crying about absolutely nothing. OK, school isn’t going as I expected? But I hold the possibility to make it great. It is up to me and no one else.