What does it mean to be brave?

Over Christmas break, my boyfriend and some mutual friends came to New Jersey for New Years. Important mention: I have a two year old jack russell that is my absolute baby. Any who, Milo was completely terrified of the visitors. I had never seen Milo so scared before. He was tail between legs, whole body shaking, making whimpering noises, scared. He had nothing to be worried about, these people are my closest friends and were concerned for him as well but I thought the whole situation was interesting.

My puppy was ridiculously afraid but would not leave me. As my boyfriend was saying goodnight to me, Milo was hiding behind me not taking his eyes off Tyler. He was so scared yet there in case he had to protect me; I looked at Tyler and said, “My puppy is the bravest.” He laughed at this. My boyfriend is a thrill seeker --he’s jumped off cliffs, he plays with snakes (no no no), he basically has no fear. Except I believe that weekend, Milo was the incredibly brave one. Milo’s whole body was telling him “run” but his little puppy mind knew there were more important things to do.

What does it mean to be brave? While something may scare us, it may not scare someone else. While Johnny Knoxville may seem brave for rollerskating with bulls because that’s something you may never do, it may of been no big deal to him. Using Knoxville as an example, simply because he’s the hottest older man ever, I don’t think it’s his stunts that make him a brave man but the fact he went out and made his own production company from the ground up. In my conclusion, being brave is relative to the person. Or dog! 

My senior year of high school, I got really sick. When you’re a teenager, you think you’re invincible and the world is yours. When I got sick I got knocked off of that pedestal. My whole world was flipped upside down and after two months of vertigo, I couldn’t remember a time the world wasn’t spinning. Before I got the virus, I wasn’t a dare-devil per say but I was much more open to possibly scary opportunities. After realizing I wasn’t invincible, fear was instilled in my mind. I even developed generalized anxiety disorder.

Being brave has a lot to do with your mind set. When I found out I had GED, I had the choice to use my disorder as an excuse or face my fears head on. Different individuals have different anxiety triggers but in particular mine are: talking to people, scheduling/planning, being alone, and new experiences. When I chose to not let me anxiety be a crutch, I accepted that it was going to be scary but I wanted to climb mountains, jump into the deep end of a pool, take life head on.

It was hard for my boyfriend to see Milo’s brave actions as that and he tries to understand when I’m exhausted after going to a party for ten minutes. These accomplishments that may seem small to him are huge in my eyes. I’m coming to understand that courageousness is about your fears and what you feel comfortable with. It may just be baby steps, but even baby steps can be brave. Milo had the option to flee from the situation just like I have the option to crawl up in my bed in a dark room when I’m afraid. What makes someone brave is accepting that life can be scary but you can’t run away from everything.

By letting fear control you, you are limiting yourself to a whole world full of possibilities. Take risks. Experience life. Be brave. For the upcoming year, make a promise to yourself that you are going to do the things that scare you. In the end, you’ll be so proud you accomplished them and find out that they weren’t all that scary. So, what does bravery mean to you? Is it standing up for what you believe in? Is it doing something dangerous? Or is it chasing after your dreams? I think it’s all three and more. It’s about pushing yourself out of your comfort zone because you know the end result is worth it. 

Not everyone you lose is a loss

In middle school, I had a best friend I did everything with. We hung out everyday after school, made arts and crafts, and even had our own cute Web show.  As we grew up, we both went our separate ways and even though we would hang out from time to time it was never the same. Time passed and we grew apart. Yet, we never conjured negative feelings towards one another. It was simply growing up. Eventually, we both went to different colleges and moved away. We are very different people now but I still acknowledge how much influence she had on my life.

In college, I met my person. We lived together, had our own inside jokes, and were basically inseparable. Then life happened and we had to take separate paths. When she transferred schools, I was devastated and we do keep in touch but like before it’s not the same. However, she will always be there for me if something goes wrong and the good times we had together will be fun stories i’ll tell my kids someday. How awesome is it that I have two forever friends? That even though time and distance has pulled us apart we understand that doesn’t affect who we are as individuals and that we’ve never spilt bad blood over it.

Life happens. It happens all too quickly and people will come and go. Some may leave footprints on your heart but everyone will teach you a lesson. It’s important to appreciate everyone for teaching you some sort of lesson. It’s wasted space to harvest negativity if someone chooses to leave. Let them. Whether it was their choice or not- it was meant to happen. So you can grow.... So you can learn.

I’ve gotten to the stage in my life that I no longer feel the need to continue meaningless friendships. If you think that makes me a bad person so be it. Yet, a significance in growing up is weaving through the people in your life and putting effort into the relationships that lift you up. A true friend will support your achievements, make you feel loved, want to listen and be around you. A true friend will not bring chaos into your life. Sometimes, it’s necessary to put yourself first and cut ties. Charlotte Bronte wrote in Jane Eyre, “I have an inward treasure born with me which can keep me alive if all the extraneous delights should be withheld or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.”

I think Bronte is saying many things in this quote. Importantly, you need to learn to be happy yourself. You should never rely on a friend to be your happiness because if they are to go away, you’ll come crumbling down. You need to find the treasure within yourself and be your own best friend. As a matter of fact, you yourself are a treasure. You are worth all the stars in the galaxy, as well as the moon and sun. Just like any other treasure you own, you should take responsibility for it. Care for yourself. Insist that your life be full of sincerity, that you are deserving, don’t sell yourself short our of fear of conflict and confrontation. Make high expectations when it comes to who you surround yourself with.

It’s said that you become like the five people you spend time with the most. If you don’t like how your close friend is acting; you may not realize but they may be influencing your actions to be like yours too. There’s no purpose in letting bad energy exist in your life. Not everyone you lose is a loss. Cutting a negative person from your life will give you more confidence, happiness, and teach you a positive lesson. I’m sure during your experience with that person there were some good times, therefore appreciate that and just accept that you are two souls on opposite journeys.

At first, It can be tough moving on from losing a friend. Your daily routine may completely change and you have to enjoy activities with other people. I miss some old friends from time to time but I also remember that I’ve gotten to where I am today without them. They may have held me back from my aspirations. Don’t get me wrong: It’s totally okay to miss someone. It just means you had good times with them. Except, missing someone is different than wanting the relationship back.

Growing up is hard but I have a feeling we’ll all turn out alright.

Fall in Love with Yourself First

High Point University is a twelve hour drive away from the place I call home. Before freshman year, I had never been that far away from my parents. I was scared and worried (and excited at the same time). Then when I got to college, I immediately jumped into a relationship. We had been family friends for a little while and I did have feelings for him but looking back, I wish I had thought about my choices more. Don't get me wrong... Never do I regret that time of my life. It got me to the strong, independent women I am today.  

Freshman year is a time of extreme growth. You are trying to find your 'place' in this new setting. You're making new friends, finding what hobbies you enjoy, and figuring out how to live in a new environment. I sat in my room most of my freshman year. I rarely went out on the weekends. I didn't make much of an effort. Truth is, I depended on my boyfriend for everything. He was the person I'd eat every meal with, spend each night with, sit next to in class, etc. Most people didn't even know I existed freshman year but I don't blame them!

I relied on him a lot. I did enjoy being with him but we quickly became comfortable. Your partner is supposed to be someone who builds you up and brings out the best in you. I want to be able to grow together, as well as separately, in a relationship. For Mike and I, our relationship became a crutch. It felt safe so I used it to my advantage. Many things scared me my freshman year of college and instead of dealing with certain obstacles, I would run to him for protection. I spent most of my freshman year hiding.

Sophomore year, things began to change. I saw potential for myself. I began writing for the school's newspaper, hanging out with girlfriends, and I even joined a sorority. I was starting to see that I was my own person and I liked that person. When you're in a relationship, it's important to analyze if your partner is the right one for you. Is the relationship bringing out the best in you or keeping you from flying? It always gets to me when love-birds say, "I couldn't live without you." In a successful relationship you may not want to live without that person but you are aware you can.

People didn't know me as Carly. They only knew me as "Mike's girlfriend". Yet, I didn't really even know Carly nor give myself time to get to find who "Carly" is. Looking back, I have changed tremendously since the girl I was freshman year and that's because I decided to fall in love with myself. Truth be told, you need to fall in love with yourself before you can love someone else. By spending time alone, I discovered what I was looking for in a relationship. I realized I'll be okay if I end up as a cat lady (but hopefully, I don't have to). I found out that I'm proud of the accomplishments I've made in life.

Take the time to date yourself before you date anyone else. What makes you smile? How do you react when someone ticks you off? When are you the most vulnerable? There is no need to jump into anything because you have the rest of your life. Guess who you'll definitely be spending the rest of your life with? Yourself. So make sure that's someone you love. As One Tree Hill said, "take a look in the mirror, is that the person you want to be? Or was there someone else you were supposed to be? Is someone telling you you can't do it? Because you can. Believe that love is out there. Believe that dreams come true everyday because they do. Sometimes happiness is not from money or fame but it comes from the heart, and happiness, or the love of family. Believe that dreams come true everyday because they do. So take a look in the mirror and remind yourself to be happy. And remind yourself that dreams come true everyday because they do."

What I've learned from working at Chipotle

Okay, you hear college girls brag all the time about how much they ~love~ Chipotle and how Chipotle is their life but hear me out. When I applied to Chipotle in March, I had completely forgotten about it when I got the phone call in April to start orientation. My first day of Orientation, I sat in a small office with a girl named Kelly and watched videos about the Chipotle lifestyle. I was just so hype about rolling burritos. Three months later and I've never rolled a successful burrito. I reminisce on the day Kelly and I sat in the office watching those videos. We joke about how clueless we were that day and how we had no clue Chipotle would actually become our lives.

When I told my boyfriend of the time that I got a job at Chipotle, he said "You're better than that". I should of seen then that he wasn't for me. (Sucks for him though cause I'm rollin' in the dough and he ain't gettin' none!!!) This past summer has been the best summer by far because of this great company. My first week of work, I'm not exaggerating when I say that I came home crying every single day. My feet hurt so bad that I would crawl up the steps. After my second week, I couldn't feel my thumb and I was seriously concerned. Now, I find bruises and cuts all over my body and just laugh like it's completely normal! Chipotle employees are strong warriors. I think that should be a part of the 13 characteristics.

The words top performer, empowerment, and high standards probably mean something completely different to me than normal people. Thanks to Chipotle, I've learned to push myself harder and always strive for excellence. When you think the Dining Room is spotless, get your sanitized rag out and make it even more spotless! Go the extra mile to make someone's day even if you're having a shitty one. Take pride in yourself and your team. I've learned how to be patient, make executive decisions, and be more confident in my abilities and self. I can honestly say I've become a better person because of this popular Mexican restaurant.

Three months ago, I thought these people were absolutely nuts for being so into their jobs. The first meeting when our boss brought donuts and we talked about how to make Chipotle better, I was looking at the people around me thinking "This is just Chipotle. Why are they taking this so seriously?" Slowly, I became one of them. For some of the team, this is just a summer job to earn a little extra cash but for others Chipotle is how they pay their bills, feed their children, earn an education. There's so much more going on behind the scenes than customers see while waiting in line. Crew members deserve your respect and appreciation. After seeing how hard they work everyday, they need to know they're doing a great job. The next time you give a Chipotle worker shit: Why don't you try putting a whole truckload of items away in the walk-in 7 am on Saturday when you'd rather be sleeping? Or cleaning a whole stack of dishes at 1 in the morning only to have 100 more to do?

I am so thankful for the people I worked with this summer. My team elevated me and helped me get better each day. Being a part of a team that cares about you and the restaurant makes you want to care also. They always kept me on my feet and positive. When I needed them, they were there and if I did something wrong (like drop a few dozen IZZE bottles or spill a tub of vinaigrette) they didn't get mad but help me clean up my mess. I am so thankful for my team because together we make our Chipotle successful. Each person plays a major role in having the restaurant run smoothly.

Even though i'm going back to school for a couple months, I know when I step foot into my Chipotle in December it'll still feel like home. Some days, I swore I hated it. The customers would be mean, I'd have to make way too much guacamole, or the line would be solid for four hours and I never got a chance to pee. Yet, here I am, so incredibly glad I got to spend my summer at Chipotle. Even though this is the palest I've ever been during the summer! So here's to my replacement: Good luck, kid. I'm going to miss the regulars, eating a burrito everyday, and my friends. Enjoy your job cause I sure as hell did. 

I've learned a lot from working at Chipotle this summer. I've learned patience, consistency, balance, pride, integrity, etc. More importantly, I've learned everyone could learn to be a bit more joyful like Leida, hardworking like Katy, sweet like Andy, confident like Bri, warmhearted like Steve, helpful like Dillion, driven like Natasha, giving like Kameron, optimistic like Maria, proud like Toya, understanding like Anthony. Thank you, team.

The Beautiful Woman

She wakes up early because her biological clock won’t let her sleep in past eight. Her hair is tangled and of course, she didn’t take her makeup off from the night before so it’s now smeared across her face. She blinks awake and spends 10 extra minutes in bed thinking about the hours ahead. She’s a beautiful mess; her eyes tired and still a blank canvas of the day. She needs coffee to start the morning and clings to the cup while inhaling the crisp air. She’s so full of hope and possibilities. She looks at everyday as a new beginning, desperately trying to escape the pain. The beautiful woman is always smiling but covering up the tears.

The littlest things bring joy to her life. The couple walking their dog, the grandfather on his porch, the smell of breakfast from a few houses over. She sees the good in everything, although she has witnessed so much evil. She remains strong, and standing upright. The beautiful woman is rooted firmly by her family values, her love for Jesus, and her bright future. 

I wish you could see her like I see her. When you talk to her, you know the beautiful woman is different. She asks questions, she digs deeper, she makes your heart aglow. The beautiful woman burns herself lighting others. Yet, she is constantly giving her fire away. Always, she trusts too easily and feels too deeply. 

The world she sees is strange to us. She understands there is purpose in everything. Her colors are brighter, more intense. Her eyes are filled with curiosity. She reads books about adventures, stories of intelligent female protagonists, essays about artwork in the most divine museums. The beautiful woman is easy to fall in love with. She’ll let you into her life, she’ll show you her favorite nooks, and she’ll make you believe in magic. 

She’s learning to swim out deep into the ocean, she’s learning to climb to the tallest heights, and she’s learning to sleep in complete darkness. Because she finally realized, the real monsters to fear are everywhere. They’re walking the streets, they smile as you pass by, they breathe the same air. Monsters are good at pretending they are human. 

Last day of classes

It’s been a while since I last blogged! Fall break was months ago and now first semester is practically over. Actually, today was the last day of classes before Christmas break. First semester was great and I hope second semester is even better. I bet it will be. Considering I have awesome friends, getting more involved on campus, still have my wonderful boyfriend, and am moving into the village with my best friend! I guess everything really does work out in the end.

Of course i’m had some blimps this semester: me and Gil almost called it quits, me and Jamie got in a huge blunder, and spanish has been absolutely terrible. However, the great times have made up for it. Like Potluck for Pups! (I started writing for the school newspaper and love it. I want to get more involved!) and Halloween, and the night Jake had to sleepover cause I thought there was a ghost in our room, becoming closer with the guys, stealing a wreath, seeing The Worlds End, watching the kitty grow, etc. I am so thankful I choose to apply for college instead of wasting my life away with some lame boy. 

Next semester means new opportunities! I want to improve myself and my relationships. Cut the negative people from my life and just be happy! I want to meditate more, read more, sleep more, exercise more, see Gil more, and other things. I think going on runs around campus would be cool too. I got to make an awesome bucket-list sometime. College is just flying by. Sometimes I say I want to transfer but, no, i’m sticking with it! No other school will be my home like High Point University is. I cannot wait to go home though! Only one more week until it is officially Christmas break. I’ll be staying in Raleigh with Gil for a few days to spend some time together before we have to part for a month (Sad!) and go see the Hobbit. On Friday, i’ll be flying home to New Jersey! And get to see my family and puppy!!